Category Archives: Humor

There’s a redneck joke here somewhere

Back when I was in high school, I heard a Jeff Foxworthy CD once. He had this “you might be a redneck if” routine. We resemble one of his comments: “If the directions to your house include ‘turn off the paved road’, you might be a redneck.”

What if the road — the county road, not our driveway, mind you — has weeds growing down the middle? And you can tell that the county maintainer has been by recently because there are fewer, and shorter, weeds than before?



I was visiting with our homeowners insurance company the other day (very good folks). Because we weren’t living in our house during renovation, we had to get a more expensive type of policy. The agent that sold it do is is no longer with the company, so the new person handling our account asked me, “Why did he want you to get this policy?”

“Well, he said it was because we weren’t living there.” Then I suddenly remembered the rest of what he said, and couldn’t help cracking up. “Plus, he said that if something like a fire happened, people might not notice.”

What can I say. Psychic insurance salesman.

On that note, I was having a discussion with someone about large windows on a house. That person was saying that “everyone” always puts their large windows on the front (or back of their house, I forget which) so that potential burglers are easier to spot. He was concerned about where we were putting windows on our house.

This had never occured to me.

But I pointed out that our yard was on fire and nobody noticed for hours. What difference would it make where our windows are?

“Ah, good point,” he said.

On that note, you ought to check out rush hour in the country. Truly this is a lot of traffic for roads around here.

Dear AT&T: Please install a telegraph in my home…

I just read the absolutely hilarious account of a call to AT&T asking them to install a telegraph line. The even funnier part is that nobody at AT&T seemed to realize that he wasn’t talking about a telephone. Or even knew what AT&T stands for.

While at ZUG, I also read the very funny story about impersonating Michael Jackson by getting a credit card in his name, complete with al sorts of media coverage.

New Terrorist Threat: ANTS

I made a shocking discovery today.

Terah called me in from outside to inform me that the washing machine was just sitting there. No action. Just stalled in the middle of the cycle. I poked around a bit, and sure enough. It’s stuck.

I then turned on the water faucet next to the washing machine. Nothing came out. So naturally I thought: the terrorists have attacked our water supply! Run for the hills! (which in Kansas are a 3-hour drive)

(Actually, what I thought was we want to put this house on the market next week, and the last thing we need now is a lack of running water. But I’m sure if I watched the cable news channels, I’d think of terrorists first.)

Now before I can explain how SUICIDE ANTS were the cause of our water problems, we need to take a small diversion into the fascinating realm of rural plumbing. When you have a well supplying water to your house, there’s a pump connected to a pressure tank, which is then connected to the house’s plumbing. When you turn on a faucet, you drain water out of the tank. When the pressure reaches a certain minimum, a pressure switch turns on the pump. The pump pumps water into the tank until the pressure reaches a maximum, at which point the pressure switch turns the pump back off.

Now, inside the pressure switch are little metal plates. To turn on the pump, the plates snap together, completing the circuit. To turn off the pump, the plates snap apart.

So, back to our story.

I went out to the well house (the small outdoor structure that houses the tank and switch) with my usual well-adjusting tools: pliers, screwdriver, gloves. I open up the well house and cut the power. I take the cover off the pressure switch and stare at it for a minute.

Hmmm I think to myself. The system pressure is 0 PSI, so the pump should have been running… And indeed the pressure switch plates had snapped together….

…or had they?

No! There was — and I am not making this up — a cake of DEAD, PARTIALLY SINGED ANTS between the metal plates. In fact, there were ants crawling around all over the pressure switch. So I used my screwdriver to scrape the plates off as well as I could. I couldn’t get them perfectly clean because of the angle, but I figured it’d be enough to make contact.

I turned the power back on. Little blue sparks appeared at the pressure switch (burning up the last of the SUICIDE ANTS), and then half a second later, the pump sprang into action.

Now this raises some alarming questions:

Why didn’t our government do anything to stop the SUICIDE ANTS from attacking our water supply?

And more importantly, who is behind this sudden sinister interest in pressure switches on the part of our hill-building friends?

I can see the headlines now:

“Ants attack water supply in Kansas… Is New York far behind?”

“Gitmo Intelligence Links Suicide Ants to bin Laden”

“Price of Raid Hits $200 A Barrel Amid Fears of Ant Attacks”

“5 Troops Deployed With Cans of RAID to Terrorist Ant Training Camps in the Pakistani Mountains”

“Thirsty Latchkey Children Forced To Scrape Dangerous Terrorist Ants From High-Voltage Switches Before Using Faucet”

“Is Your Water Safe? Watch the story about the latest threat tonight at 11”

“Small-town Kansas man detained for posting instructions for attacking rural water systems using ants”

Tuttle: Neither Gone Nor Forgotten

So just when I thought the whole Tuttle story had wound down, more starts appearing.

The Register has a new article: Only “freaks” waste their time with Linux in Oklahoma. In it, they posted a video clip from an Oklahoma TV station that called Tuttle “an international laughing stock.” Quite a funny little piece. The Register also mentioned that the Tuttle city manager left work when he heard a TV crew would be there to interview him. Favorite quote:

Instead of a website, Taylor discovered an Apache server configuration page that mentioned CentOS. He’s an Oklahoma man, and the Apache feather must have proved frightening.

Today’s next little piece of fun is this page at the Tuttle Times. Look on the right, under Links. See the link that reads “Example of CentOS test page”? Notice where it points to. Yes, that’s right, Click on it, and sure enough, up comes the infamous test page. So the Tuttle Chamber of Commerce apparently is getting ready for round two…

And while we’re speaking of the Tuttle Times: they have published a letter to the editor from Johnny Hughes, the CentOS lead developer that was on the other end of those exchanges with Tuttle. I think Johnny wrote an excellent little piece there.

And finally, another funny headline from the Tuttle Times homepage: “Prosecution attorney presents complete case.” I am glad to hear that at long last this terrible scourge of incomplete cases has been brought to an end. But beware, this shocking story is not over yet! The next article is “defense raises compelling questions.” Another first for Tuttle?