You might not live in the country if…

with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy…

You might not live in the country if…

  • you ever say “depending on the traffic” when estimating how long it takes to get somewhere
  • you never say “but I can’t come if the road is muddy” when estimating how long it takes to get somewhere
  • you never say “but it’ll be later if I get stuck behind a tractor” when estimating how long it takes to get somewhere
  • you have known some of your neighbors for less than 20 years
  • no random strangers give you a (friendly!) wave as you drive down the road
  • you think “the road” is an ambiguous phrase
  • mail addressed just to “Your Name, Town” might not get to you as fast as usual
  • you can’t remember what church someone goes to
  • you’d never consider someone that lives 2 miles away to be a neighbor
  • you think an auger is something unpleasant at the dentist’s office
  • you think “imporoving your irrigation” means buying a $2 attachment for your garden hose
  • you think “your beans are weird” is probably an indecent joke
  • you wouldn’t be seriously insulted if someone told you “your beans are weird”
  • when looking for a house, it never occured to you to avoid the highway so you don’t get so many comments about whether or not your crop’s rows are straight
  • you have no idea where your nearest gravel supplier is
  • you don’t have to install anything on your roof before you can watch TV
  • you think a lagoon is something from Scooby-Doo
  • when driving down the road, you can’t identify some of the crops alongside it
  • you’ve never driven down a road with crops next to it
  • your indoor plumbing still works when the electricity is off
    alternative test for Amish: the nearest phone is less than a mile away
  • you moved to the area from out of state last week, and you haven’t met any distant relatives (or at least made any distant connections) yet
  • when people refer to “the Old Country”, you wonder which country they mean
  • families whose native language isn’t English have probably lived in the United States for less than 100 years where you live
  • something more than 30 years old would never be considered “new”
  • you know less than 10 that can remember a time when electric service wasn’t available in the area
  • you’ve never lamented the invention of touch-tone dialing, since you don’t miss getting updates on the local news from the operator
  • when doing genealogy research, you start somewhere other than the church archives
  • when someone suggests having dinner together, you ask “at which restaurant?” instead of “your place or mine?”
  • “at which restaurant” isn’t a stupid question where you live because there’s more than one good choice within 20 miles
  • less than half of the radio stations in your area have a noontime ag report
  • your high school sports teams have winning seasons periodically
  • your graduating class had more than 25 people
  • you think “the fifth grade teacher” is ambiguous because there are several 5th grade teachers at the local elementary school
  • you don’t think traffic is heavy if there’s someone ahead of you at the stop sign
  • you don’t think that the mere presence of stop signs is a scary indicator of urban sprawl
  • as you stroll through a parking lot, there’s a car you don’t recognize
  • fresh horse droppings on the road might cause the city to send out a street cleaning team
  • you have no connections with people that can give you a discount on beef because it was alive on their farm last week

And the #1 way to tell you might not live in the country:

The waitress at a restaurant explains they’re out of chicken, and you think that means something other than your fried chicken will arrive 20 minutes late, but extra juicy.

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