March 8th, 2012
FedEx has had some issues in my area. There for awhile, they kept returning packages as undeliverable, saying the address was bad. It wasn’t. Just because their GPS can’t find it or their driver doesn’t know it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. A map, a real map, would have done it. I had this kind of conversation with them once.
Me: So you’re returning my package to the sender.
FedEx: Yes sir, the address was wrong.
Me: No, it wasn’t.
[ we confirm we’re talking about the same address. ]
FedEx: Our driver says it doesn’t exist.
Me: I’ve lived here for [x] years. I do know my address.
FedEx: Maybe it’s just new.
Me: Someone has lived at this spot since the 1890s.
FedEx: Hmm. I don’t know then.
Me: How about I give you directions?
FedEx: Well, OK, I guess I could send directions. But they probably won’t see them for three days.
Me: Where will my package be by then?
FedEx: Hard to say.
Me: Do you people have cell phones maybe?
Me: Well, OK then…
Lately we have been noticing that the driver throws the package from the truck without stopping. We find them all over the yard. Unless it’s big, in which case he puts it on the porch, puts a completely useless sticker on the door saying “We delivered your package to… right here!”, and doesn’t ring the doorbell. And panics due to the muddy road.
The FedEx driver once told Terah, “I almost got stuck on that muddy road! What’s the good one?”
Terah: Well, which one did you take?
[ he describes ]
Terah: [ serious ] That IS the good road.
FedEx: [ turning pale ] Oh my. I don’t know if I can make it back to the highway.
Terah: Well, I suppose I could get the boys in the car and drive you into town…
FedEx: [ embarrassed and more pale ] Uhm… that’s OK… uhm… I think…
A *month* later, we got another FedEx package. The driver called me at work, saying, “I just don’t know how I’m going to get down those roads. Can I deliver the package to you here?” (10 miles away). I said yes, and managed to suppress a significant snicker at his obvious relief.
FedEx drivers seem to come and go. The UPS driver, on the other hand, knows the names of our boys, our cat, and puts anything small behind the storm door so it won’t blow away if we’re not home. And he gets a great big laugh when I tell him that the FedEx drivers are afraid of our roads. “Haha, he thinks THAT’S mud? Obviously he never drives in Butler County.”